The Survivors Guide to Pooing at work.
Posted: Sat Sep 06, 2003 11:30 pmThis one had me laughing like a looney bird. Hope you guys like it too.
We've all been there but don't like to admit it.
We've all kicked back in our cubicles and
suddenly felt something brewing down below.
As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise,
the WORK POO is inevitable.
For those who hate pooing at work, following is the
Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING
When f@rting, you walk briskly around the office so the
smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't
know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop
until the full f@rt has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to
make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in
and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom,
leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT
FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly
going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE
A f@rt that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a
sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not
acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next
to the f@rter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one
likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved.
Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK
When forcing a poo, several f@rts slip out at a machine gun
pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a
hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall
until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the
awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the
water. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink
up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the
WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you
have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very
uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with
f@rts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be
avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER
A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it. You
will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a
newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around
the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the
bathroom.
THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency
pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to
monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify
SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you
can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex
entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and
tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this
occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This
way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a
WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective
when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd
Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt
that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave
the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.
WATERMELON
A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a
Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELETTE
A case of diarrhoea that creates series of loud splashes in
the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using
Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could
spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on
the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while
on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when
the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other
bathroom attendees.
We've all been there but don't like to admit it.
We've all kicked back in our cubicles and
suddenly felt something brewing down below.
As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise,
the WORK POO is inevitable.
For those who hate pooing at work, following is the
Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING
When f@rting, you walk briskly around the office so the
smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't
know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop
until the full f@rt has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to
make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in
and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom,
leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT
FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly
going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE
A f@rt that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a
sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not
acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next
to the f@rter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one
likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved.
Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK
When forcing a poo, several f@rts slip out at a machine gun
pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a
hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall
until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the
awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the
water. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink
up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the
WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you
have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very
uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with
f@rts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be
avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER
A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it. You
will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a
newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around
the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the
bathroom.
THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency
pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to
monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify
SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you
can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex
entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and
tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this
occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This
way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a
WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective
when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd
Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt
that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave
the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.
WATERMELON
A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a
Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELETTE
A case of diarrhoea that creates series of loud splashes in
the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using
Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could
spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on
the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while
on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when
the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other
bathroom attendees.